“Brevity is the soul of lingerie.” – Dorothy Parker
humor
Choose Your Calories Wisely
Doing It Wrong
You say I’m doing it wrong
I’m about to gavel you with my dong
I don’t need any instruction
You say I’m due for destruction
Fuck off with your prophecies
You’re not quite Socrates
Stop, these attempts are futile
I reject your whole kit & caboodle
You’re not the Lord, you have no domain
I am here and I shall always remain
Just an old poem that made me laugh. Hope You enjoyed it! (yes, that’s me on 2/18/97 according to the date stamp… my senior year!)
Ribbon & Bow
Mistletoe In My Back Pocket
Wrapping Paper
Damn It, Billy!
Charades
Kiss My Nose
Lights
Work…
Thanksgiving Mix-Up
Thanksgiving!
Flirting Like A Pilgrim
Happy Thanksgiving!
Yogi Berra
“Half the lies they tell about me aren’t true.”
― Yogi Berra
Smelling Like An Old Man
Smelling like an old man
But a man nonetheless
Reapplying the Old Spice
Sovereignty against the stress
Too many fragrant like chicks
No way for a dude to smell
Are you confused by nature
For I surely cannot tell
Independence Day
Not as funny as it once was…yet still funny!
I’m Rockin’ This Dad Bod
I’m rockin’ this dad bod
& making it look good
Unapologetically localized
Home in Suburban neighborhoods
I’m not trying to distract
Any of the ladies living nearby
I’m just trying to live my life
I’m just your normal, boring guy
I’m prematurely grumpy
A hermit; writing down in the dungeon
Devastatingly handsome, locked away
Keep out! – here be a curmudgeon
Come On Up For A Cup Of Coffee
Come on up for a cup of coffee
I hope you’ve brought your cheery attitude
My place will be easily discovered
The one with the gentleman toasting you in the nude
She Was Enraged
She was enraged
But it was merely an aesthetic
Undiagnosed shakedown calamity
Her stare leaving me cold & pathetic
She asked me why I was a Pisces
I told her I used to drink like a fish
Though attempts at humor fell flat
I was awkward; she was such a dish
I’m not as spectacular as I may seem
Age filters vexing characteristics instead
She looked upon me with curious disdain
Tangibly conceding to the voices in my head
Letter To Santa
Tattle Tale
No Carrots…
Missing Mistletoe
Winter Wonderland
Santa’s Secret
Mistletoe In My Back Pocket
Lights
Grab A Breast
Pilgrim Sexy Talk
Thanksgiving Witch
Well, I Find It Funny…
Born and raised in Arizona. This speaks to me.
Be careful the energy you put out into the world.
You Have Your Notions Of Me
You have your notions of me
Whether it’s my rugged good looks
Or I’m a notorious scalawag
Though, I’m neither a hero nor a crook
I’m not a man of much persuasion
Nor am I a wild west outlaw
I choose to wear the eyepatch
But I’m more of a gentleman with flaws
I write fast & love slow
Without a care of what they say about me
When you have faith
You never have to wait & see
I quietly find my secrets within
Descended from that beautiful literary brogue
To hell with the naysayers; we’re gonna have fun
I’ll be your host tonight, the swash-unbuckling rogue
Many out there won’t warm to my charm
Not their cup of tea or simply they’ve no style
But you of good taste & renown class
Come share a spot with the one with the mischievous smile
Take A Moment For Yourself
Take a moment for yourself
Ponder qualities of mental wealth
We no longer use CRAZY as a term
Makin’ patients uncomfortably squirm
Come on in, promise to give you back your health
Grinch
Turning Japanese
Good Morning.
Trust
“I don’t trust anything that popular. It borders on the levels of Nazism or the Macarena.”
Ray Bradbury
“I have never listened to anyone who criticized my taste in space travel, sideshows or gorillas. When this occurs, I pack up my dinosaurs and leave the room.”
― Ray Bradbury, Zen in the Art of Writing
The American Revolution
just for laughs!
Elizabeth, Mr. Darcy & Captain Barbosa
Shakespeare
“As it is base for a soldier to love; so I am in love with a base wench.”
– William Shakespeare: Love’s Labor Lost, 1594
Grateful, I Am
Happy Valentine’s Day!
Happy Valentine’s Day (early)
One Last Christmas Wish…
Hope everyone’s Christmas was delicious & merry as my suit!
Ho Ho
Tie Me Up With Your Panties
Tie me up with your panties
My penis filled with retro arena glamour rock
Remember when your mom caught me
Janking it into your sock?
*this is an older poem I found. I’m not particularly proud of it, but it makes me laugh. I hope you do as well. 😉
When I Think About You…
Happy Friday!
In Honor Of Breast… 💝🎀
In honor of breast cancer awareness month…💝🎀
#mood
In case you’re sad the weekend is coming to an end…
Oscar Wilde
“Crying is for plain women. Pretty women go shopping.”
― Oscar Wilde
Does Life Have You
Does life have you
Feeling blue?
Well, naked jumping jacks
Are the only thing to do
*originally posted on former blog
P.J. O’Rourke
“Don’t vote, it just encourages the bastards.”
-P.J. O’Rouke
Marcel Proust
“A person has no need of sincerity, nor even of skill in lying, in order to be loved. Here I mean by love reciprocal torture.”
― Marcel Proust, The Captive & The Fugitive
Leo Durocher
“Show me a man who doesn’t go down on his wife and I’ll show you a man whose wife I can sleep with, tonight.”
– Leo Durocher
Oscar Wilde
“Crying is for plain women. Pretty women go shopping.”
― Oscar Wilde
I Can Do This All Day
I can do this all day
Make you lust for my words
For they’ll just keep comin’
Captain Q 